Maybe
by Star24
Summary: Logan and Max's thoughts after Haven -my first fan fic - could be continued ...?
1. Logan

As I sit at on my bed gazing out the window at Seattle's ever present rain my mind is racing with the events of this past weekend

As I sit at on my bed gazing out the window at Seattle's ever present rain my mind is racing with the events of this past weekend. I replay them over and over trying to make sense of what happened and, more importantly, what I learned about myself.

My life today is nothing I would have expected ten years ago. I grew up with the proverbial silver spoon in my mouth, a child of privilege and wealth.

Add to that, the fact that I was gifted with looks that girls (and later women) seem to love, as well as some measure of athleticism and you can imagine what I was like. Looking back I don't like or respect that person too much. Spoiled and arrogant certainly apply, as do self centered and uncaring about other's feelings.

I graduated Yale with ease and was set to go into my family's business where I would have no doubt followed in my uncle's footsteps. I can see myself married to a Seattle society beauty with the requisite affairs on the side. Not a pretty picture.

I have to thank the Pulse for changing me and saving me from what I now know would have been a sterile and unhappy life. True my family as a whole survived the Pulse with most of their fortune intact but my immediate family circle – father, mother and sister didn't.

Left alone at 22 I turned to my college friends to replace the family I had lost and found a whole new world and new self. Unlike my family, my best friend's family lost all they had and he was forced to come to grips with the new world order that emerged. Not only did he become a strong activist against what was happening to our country but he pulled me along with him. I learned about real life in the trenches and became dedicated to using my financial resources and hacking skills to do what I could to make things better.

The Pulse gave me a cause and a raison'd'etre. 

That alone might not have been enough – after 5 years of an underground life style I was beginning to tire of our lack of progress when my friend was betrayed by someone he trusted implicitly. He vanished one day and I never did see him again alive. Rumors of police death squads were always around and I believe he was the victim of one but I have never been able to find the conclusive proof of exactly who was involved.

In a way that search for proof led to the creation of Eyes Only. I decided that I had had enough of living the underground life so took my resources and bought my apartment in Foggle Towers. Ostensibly I was another society dilettante – playing at being a journalist but living an essentially useless life. One benefit I found was that I had access to those in the high levels of our new society and I began to pick up tidbits of information here and there. I also met Valerie and, mistaking loneliness and lust for love, rushed into marriage with her.

That was a royal screwup and I came out of that feeling even more cynical about women and what they wanted from me – my money first and then my looks. It was right after the breakup that I threw myself into Eyes Only and began my broadcasts. Women to me became one of two things – an outlet for my sexual drives or informants in my crusade.

I probably would have gone on that way indefinitely if Max hadn't crashed into my apartment and my life. When I first saw her standing there that night my only thought was that she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I wanted her in my bed and soon, and I had no doubt I would get her there. Then she blew me away by diving out of that window. I immediately saw her usefulness to Eyes Only and that became my excuse for finding her.

I had my suspicions about what she was from the first but in my typical arrogance I played on the mutual attraction between us to find her barcode. It would have better if I had been honest with her but at the time I was so sure of myself and so cynical about women that any thought of a relationship with one was the farthest thing from my mind. I planned on using Max's skills for my crusade while at the same time satisfying my lust for her body. I'm not proud of that, but I'm trying to be honest with myself now.

Who knows, if I hadn't been shot that might have very well happened. Max tries to be very tough – this badass chick - but she is in reality extremely vulnerable. She's never had a family and never been loved and cherished the way I was. She is crying out for love and she would have been an easy target. Case in point – that night in front of the mirror I had her number. It would have been easy to dazzle her and play her along right into my arms and my bed. Thank God I wanted her for Eyes Only as well. If I had done what I planned she would have ended up hurt and I would have gone on my merry way unknowing and uncaring about what I had done.

Instead I ended up in this wheelchair but I have Max in my life. Perhaps because she feels a kinship with me (her genetic defects, my disability) she has opened up to me in ways I doubt she has ever done for anyone else in her life. I have gotten to know the vulnerable little girl inside the genetically engineered soldier, the one who is desperate to love and be loved. I have seen her fierce loyalty to her friends and her willingness to sacrifice herself for them. She puts me to shame sometimes which is why I lash back at her. Here I am, the spoiled rich boy who never lacked for love, who has done his share of using and discarding people. Here she is, the little girl raised to be a cold uncaring soldier, who has overcome that to become a loving and giving woman.

Most importantly, somehow, by some miracle, she cares about me. She came back and saved my life in the hospital after the way I treated her over the barcode. Then afterwards she came back again using the excuse of finding her siblings but in reality I think it was because I had become one of her "boos" someone she feels responsible for and looks after. She has saved my worthless life over and over again, at the hotel, in the hospital after the operation, with the mob and most recently after the Dr. Vertes fiasco. Mrs. Marino gave me pause but I think I still would have done it if Max hadn't come back.

When she threw herself at me and hugged me I realized how much I mean to her. I also realized how much she means to me. If I had pulled that trigger it would have been Max who found me, Max who was left to pick up the pieces and grieve over me. I realized all of that in that moment and knew I couldn't do that to Max. She has had enough pain in her life and even in my own self absorption I knew I couldn't be the one to give her more. I knew I had to survive this and come through this for Max. 

Even with my good intentions it has been hard. I knew after the episode with the Red soldiers when I almost lost her that I wanted Max to be mine in more than a physical sense (although I want that too). I didn't dare to dream I could ever have her until her blood kicked in and I was able to walk again. For a few short days I had so many dreams about how I was going to win her over to me. I dreamed of our one kiss and thought about how good it would be to kiss her again without a car door in between us and with me standing and holding her in my arms. I dreamed of dancing with her and hiking with her and sharing all the little moments of life with her in every way.

To have those dreams within my grasp only to lose them again is what drove me to think of suicide. Max saved me but I am still bitter about my loss. I know she cares about me as more than just a friend, but I am afraid to push it now. If she has to run I can't go with her in this chair and I don't want her to stay and endanger herself over me. Bad enough if I am only her friend, if anything more happens between us she would never leave even to save herself. 

Those feeling were why I tried to cancel our weekend trip. Max has made it clear she is willing to move things along but I am trying to be unselfish and do what is best for her. A weekend alone with her in my family's cabin would tempt a saint and I am no saint.

Haven seemed safe enough – I would concentrate on my research and Max could make her S'mores. Little did I know.

My mission turned into a bust but Max found her own crusade. A little boy who was hurting inside like her. True to her nature Max set out to help him only to bring down

disaster on our heads. Imagine my panic when I knew they were coming to kill us and Max was in no shape to do anything. I am proud of myself that she had no idea how scared I was at that moment. Even when Sage and I were setting the traps it seemed unreal. Up until I blew away that first guy with the propane tank I wasn't sure if I could actually go through with it. 

What gave me the strength was two things – first and foremost Max lying helpless in that bedroom and second Herman's words to me. I finally understood what he meant - when it came down to defending what was most important in my life it truly was "kill or be killed". For myself I might not have gone through with it but for Max I had no choice.

So now I am a killer. I have the blood of four lives on my hands. It isn't easy for me to live with but I have the consolation of knowing that when it counted I came through for Max. Maybe I'm not such a helpless cripple as I thought and just possibly there will be some kind of future for us. 

She's taken to coming by at night when she thinks I'm sleeping. We have dinner together most nights and play some chess or listen to music and then she leaves either to meet her friends at Crash or for one of her vigils on the Space Needle. But since Haven she has been coming back every night, late, letting herself in with the key I gave her and coming to my room to look down at me. Sometimes she reaches down and brushes my cheek or my hair. I always wake when she arrives – I seem to have a sixth sense where she is concerned, but so far I haven't let her know I am awake and aware of her being there. 

She should be here soon and I am trying to decide what I should do. Maybe tonight I will open my eyes when she touches me. Maybe I will reach up and pull her to me. I want to taste her lips again and I want to feel her in my arms, her body pressed up against mine.

Maybe I will be able to walk again someday. Maybe it isn't so hopeless between us as I thought. Maybe…


	2. Max

A week ago I was so excited standing in that gas line

A week ago I was so excited standing in that gas line. Logan and I were going away for a weekend together in the cabin. The cabin that holds so many memories for me from the one time I was there. Memories of Logan and the kiss we shared, memories of how it was there that I first began to admit to myself how much he means to me.

I was almost jumping out of my skin with anticipation and in love with the world that morning. Even Sketchy going on with his ridiculously convoluted scheme to get shoes was amusing to me. I actually listened to him rather than just asking him why he didn't go out and snatch himself a pair if he needed them so much. 

So anyway here I am feeling like a little girl going on her first trip to the circus or something like that. Mixed in with the excitement was also some worry. Logan has always emphasized that our relationship is nothing personal. I'm his legs, his commander of the Logan Cale Brigade. But when he stood and looked down at me after the episode with the Red soldiers I saw something more in his eyes. 

I saw it again when we met at the beach and I keep wondering what would have happened that night if Zack hadn't called when he did. I may not be much at this male female game but I know that Logan has feelings for me. So here we are going away together to an isolated cabin in the mountains. No phones, no friends, no Eyes Only.

Just Logan and me all by ourselves. Firelight and wine and S'mores and …?

Being so hyped up you can imagine my feelings when he started up with his "I'm in the wheelchair so what's the point" routine. The man needs to understand that life goes on. His wheels mean nothing to me. Logan is Logan, in the chair or out. If I wanted some physically perfect specimen I could have one in a minute. Being what I am, physical abilities hold little value to me. I don't get why he can't see that. Anyway he gave in (or so I thought) and we headed out only to end up in this creepy little town instead of the cabin. 

You can imagine that I was pissed beyond all when I found out he had scammed me into the trip so he could do one of his Eyes Only investigative reporter routines. Deciding I wasn't going to let him ruin my weekend away I set out to have my own fun. Of course fate had other ideas in store. 

My seizures kicked in big time and then I met this adorable little boy named Sage. Something about him spoke to me, I felt like he was a kindred spirit. This kid had been damaged in some way some time in his past and I wanted to help him if I could. That of course led to the whole fiasco with BC and crew.

If I hadn't been having the seizures BC and his punks would have been nothing more than a minor annoyance. Instead they were coming to kill us and I was flat on my back unable to do anything. I could tell Logan was scared but he wasn't about to let me or Sage know that. I never thought he had it in him to do what he did that night.

I know how hard it must be on him. My Logan, knight in shining armor, protector of all that is good, having to kill. I know he has a ruthless streak in him but I also know he wasn't brought up like I was. Killing was not something you learned about in his world of privilege and grace. I know it didn't come easy for him and I know he did it to protect me and to protect a little boy. I was so proud of him that night but I didn't know how to tell him so I resorted to my usual smart ass self. I think he knew what I was saying though – he smiled when I made that crack about the sidekick and on the way back to Seattle he put his arm around me and held me close to him.

So now here we are. Back in Seattle back to our normal (?) relationship. I go to his place almost every night for dinner, we play some chess, listen to music, exchange wisecracks.Afterwards I go to Crash with the gang or head on up to the Needle to think for a while.

But something is different. Logan seems to have a little more confidence in himself, like he's beginning to understand that the chair doesn't define who he is. I catch him looking at me with that look in his eyes more and more lately. And I catch myself making excuses to touch him. Casual touches, a quick brush against him in the kitchen, a touch of hands when I pass him a plate. He doesn't seem to mind, he even seems to be doing the same back to me. 

One more thing. Every night before I head home I find myself stopping by his place. He gave me a key so I let myself in and go to his bedroom. I tell myself it's because I want to be sure he doesn't suddenly have some kind of guilt reaction over those punks. I worry that he'll start thinking about using that gun on himself again. I know that the middle of the night is the worst time for those kinds of thoughts and I want to be there for him if he needs me. The reality is that he's dealing with things fine and every night I find him sleeping peacefully. But I still have to go.

I'm here again and I'm almost in his room. I wonder what he would do if he woke up and saw me here. Maybe he would reach up and take my hand as I rest it against his cheek. Maybe he would pull me down next to him. Maybe he would kiss me. I've never been in his arms that way and I want to be so badly. I want to feel his strength and gentleness surrounding me. Maybe someday soon I will. Maybe he's starting to understand that I want him even if he is in that chair. Maybe there is hope for this genetically engineered killing machine to have a real human relationship. Maybe…


	3. Together

Disclaimer: Don't own them, don't make anything from them, just like to play with them ****

Disclaimer: Don't own them, don't make anything from them, just like to play with them.

****

A/N: By popular demand the conclusion to Maybe. Couldn't really get this the way I wanted in first person so switched to third. Hope this works had some writer's block. I didn't want to take things too far too fast – trying to keep to the characters as we know them and how they might actually behave.

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Max closed the door to Logan's apartment softly behind her. She had let herself in with her key but didn't want to take the chance of waking Logan if he was sleeping. Checking quickly she saw that the computers were down for the night and all of the lights were out. She moved quickly and quietly through the dark apartment to stand in front of Logan's open bedroom door.

With her enhanced vision she could clearly see him lying on his side facing the door, fast asleep. She listened carefully but his breathing appeared to be that of normal sleep, slow and relaxed. Reassured she moved softly towards his bed. He looked so much more vulnerable when he was asleep. Almost like a little boy except for the dark stubble of his unshaven (for at least several days) beard. His eyes were closed so she couldn't enjoy their beautiful blue color but in sleep and without his glasses his lashes were long and thick, ones many a female would envy.

As she watched he stirred restlessly but then settled quietly. She waited a moment then reached out to touch his hair lightly, as always amazed at its softness under her fingers. She gently ran her fingertip down his cheek then paused seized by a sudden desire to trace his lips, 

// No, Max, you'll wake him for sure and then what do you do? Tell him you were hungry so came over to score some food? At 3 AM ?// Her mind told her hand to move away but her fingers had taken on a life of their own. Slowly she traced the outline of his lips and when he didn't react grew bolder and ran her finger over the slight opening between them, feeling his warm breath as he exhaled. She started to pull her hand back when disaster struck. 

Logan's eyes opened at the same time his hand came up to grasp her wrist and hold her hand where it was, finger resting on his lips. Her usual lightning reflexes deserted her and she found herself unable to move her eyes locked with his, caught like a deer in headlights. //Shit, now what do I do?// she thought frantically. Seconds passed but it seemed like forever as she weighed her options and waited for Logan to say something.

Logan was in a deep sleep, dreaming what had become a regular dream these days. He was able to walk again and he and Max were out hiking together in the Cascades. In his dream they had stopped a moment to enjoy the view and he had pulled her into his arms. She was standing looking up at him and was tracing his lips with her finger. As the dream Max began to run her fingertip across the opening between his lips Logan suddenly came awake.

By the feel of his bed underneath him and the sheets over him he knew he was in his bed at home. Not yet opening his eyes he became aware that Max was standing over him and her finger was on his lips. // Okay, Logan, take it easy. Don't scare her away. Things are still too unsettled to do anything yet. Just treat this like every other night lately and don't let her know you're awake.//

Even as he was telling himself not to do anything rash it was too late. His hand had come up and he had grabbed her wrist, keeping her finger in place against his lips. His eyes opened and he was gazing into her startled dark brown eyes. Amazingly enough, Max, she of the superhuman reflexes and strength, appeared frozen. She could easily have broken free but stood there staring back at him unmoving.

For what seemed like an eternity they gazed into each other's eyes neither one wanting to make the first move.

// Do something Logan, you know you want to and she isn't trying to get away.// he thought.

// Does he know how much I want him to pull me down next to him ?// she thought.

Logan told himself to release her and make some wise crack to relieve the tension but instead his hand (which seemed to have taken on a life of its own) tightened on her wrist and he tugged her towards him.

Max could have easily resisted but her feet (which seemed to have suddenly become remarkably clumsy) tangled up and she fell onto the bed landing on top of Logan, face inches from his. Feeling like he was in one of his dreams, Logan released her wrist and reached up, tangling his hand in her hair and pulling her lips down to join his. He wrapped his other arm around her shoulders pulling her close.

Max felt like she was drowning in his eyes as wordlessly he pulled her into the kiss. His arms around her felt just as she had dreamed, strong yet gentle. She could feel his heart beating and smell that scent that was uniquely Logan, a mix of spice and soap and musk.

Their lips met and clung as they each learned the taste and feel of the other. Content at first to explore her lips, after a moment Logan reached out with his tongue and gently ran it across Max's mouth. She opened to him and their tongues met as they explored the taste of each other. Max lifted her hands and ran them through Logan's' hair enjoying the feel of it in her fingers while he pulled her even closer as the kiss continued, glorying in the feel of her in his arms.

Logan broke the kiss, rolling to his side and taking Max with him so they were lying facing each other, his arms still around her. For a moment they were both silent, gazing at each other. Finally, as seemed to be their norm lately, both spoke at once.

"Max, I…."

"Logan, I…"

Realizing what they had done they burst out laughing relieving some of the tension between them 

"Max I'm not going to apologize. I've wanted to do that for a while now." Logan waited for her response.

"I've wanted you to do that for a while too" she confessed shyly. "Besides, if you apologized or told me that this didn't mean anything I think I would have to kill you." She grinned back at him.

"Max, you are going to kill me, just by being you." He hugged her tight and laughed. She hugged him back, and, greatly daring, dropped a light kiss on his lips.

"So now what happens?"

He looked at her seriously for a moment before replying.

" I was thinking along the lines of dinner and maybe a ride out to a scenic lookout I happen to know of."

"And?" she flirted.

"And you'll see. So it's a date?" He held his breath waiting for her answer.

"It's a date. When?" She couldn't believe he was actually asking her out on a real date. 

" Tonight about 7:00. And, Max, I'm taking you out to dinner."

"In that case I better get going and let you get some sleep." She began to pull away but his arms tightened around her.

"Not without this." He pulled her back to him and kissed her once more, a kiss full of the promise of things to come. She went willingly and returned the kiss saying all of the things she couldn't yet say in words.

Rising she smiled at him and said.

"Until tonight, Logan."

"Until tonight, Max."


End file.
